Alpha Retrospective: Bugs Season 1 Episode 5 "Shotgun Wedding"
In the Bugs world, even mundane machinery such as Eurostar trains makes futuristic whooshing noises (I’m not entirely sure if that’s how it sounds in real life). A smug looking woman disembarks from the Eurostar train at the terminus (Which is the old London Waterloo International station which is now no longer the Eurostar UK station. It’s since moved to London Saint Pancras). She gives some political spin about cleaning up corruption back in her country to some reporters. There is more probing from the media about her personal relationship status. As they leave, yet another dodgy person phones some even dodgier looking person, telling them to “do it now”. The even dodgier looking person breaks into a hotel room and plants a bomb under a bed, but he is spied on by an even dodgier looking person staring at CCTV monitors who advises some unseen people they need to act now. Two grunts in suits ride the life up to the room and brandish guns. They obviously haven’t done the training on sweeping suspect environments because no sooner than they enter the room, they get shot dead by the even dodgier looking person who is hiding under the bed. Even dodgier looking man makes his escape while the employers of the two suits laments on the inability of his now dead men to stop the intruder.Meanwhile, the Bugs team has been hired by William Swift, some designer who apparently makes use of lasers to make 3D images. His latest client is the Liberty Party in Italy, the one our political types who arrived on the Eurostar are affiliated with. William is paranoid and thinks his premises have been bugged and that rivals are after his designs. Beckett is unconvinced but William insists they check anyway. While checking the premises, Ed notices a dodgy looking van outside Williams workplace. Apparently the plates are far too new for an old banger. So Beckett decides to go for a walk, planting a tracking device on the vans bumper and asking the driver for the time. The driver, who seems to be engaged in a bit of covert surveillance, does what every sane driver would do when they did nothing wrong and floors it. Beckett follows in his car while William is convinced that there is proof he was right to be paranoid. Ros and Ed still think he is hiding something.
Beckett tracks the mystery van to a nondescript office building and sees the driver go inside. Clambering through some shrubbery, Beckett tells Ros over their magic radios (With some really seriously obvious and badly done dubbing) that he is going to interfere with the places CCTV cameras using an “RT73” device (Which if you look up that name on a search engine now, it links to a model of WiFi card!) so that he can infiltrate the building undetected. Reaching the door, he programs a swipe card to unlock the door and enters a seemingly endless stairwell. Unfortunately for him, he hasn’t heeded Ros’ warning about other security cameras and misses one staring straight at him as he ascends the staircase. On reaching the top he uses his magic swipe card to enter the door, only to find a bunch of computer monitors and some jolly miserable chaps with guns waiting for him inside. The jolly miserable chaps all point their guns at him with hilariously overdubbed gun cocking noises even though there isn’t any actual cocking of them (Note how Beckett gives an expression like a naughty school boy caught smoking behind the bike shed!). The leader of the operation angrily tells the jolly miserable chaps to stuff Beckett in his office. Inside the office of the so-called Commander Wence, head of security of the visiting Italian politicians, we get a quick exposition dump. It turns out Wence is head of the Special Services Department, a “department so secret not many people knows it exists” and that Wence could use Mafia type tactics to make make sure Beckett is never seen again and Ed and Ros would be none the wiser of his fate. But Beckett is not fazed and acts like every edgey teen ever and gives some macho talk about how he isn’t afraid of Wence. It turns out the SSD and The Hive or perhaps the SSD and Beckett have had dealings before and they weren’t good ones. Wence allows Beckett to leave alive but warns him to stay away from William as he is trouble.
Outside William Swift’s offices, Ed and Ros have decided to do the very thing William was paranoid about and bug his offices since they think he is lying about something. Ros somehow picks up the audio from said bugs with a CB scanner of all things while Ed tells her to try tuning to 49 Mhz, which I don’t think bugs that small can transmit on but I could’ve misheard. They eventually listen in on a phone call between William and the political lady, Anna Fabrizi. Turns out they are lovers unlike the official story where Anna is supposedly engaged to her political partner, Alberto Corelli. Anna wishes to meet William again at Royal College Green, where he first proposed, right down the very bench where it happened. She will figure out a way to lose the escorts from SSD to do so. It turns out that the Bugs team are not the only ones listening in. The dodgy looking bomb planting man from earlier, an assassin called Starkey, is listening to the phone call and makes plans for another attempt on Anna’s life. Starkey phones the first dodgy looking person, an intermediary called McKenzie and annoys him with a recording asking to confirm their identity before he actually speaks. Starkey asks McKenzie to have his payment ready for a job well done as Anna will be dead before the day ends. At the hotel they are staying in, Anna asks Alberto to provide a distraction to force SSD security to leave her alone for a bit while she goes out to see William. It turns out this pretend relations between themselves is taking it’s strain, especially since the Liberty party is meant to be about bringing some much needed truth to politics and this is anything but. Alberto does help, but suspiciously makes a phone call to an unknown person as Anna leaves (Obvious villain alert spoiler!).
At Royal College Green, Ed and Ros are sweeping the area for the assassin. They comment the place is highly exposed and the killer could be anywhere and do anything. Unfortunately for them, killer Starkey has already been in the green and placed a lump of modelling clay with a telescopic antenna under one of the benches. Starkey hides in the rooftop of one of the buildings while William arrives. Ed spies Starkey with some improbably binocular skills and heads off towards him while Ros keeps an eye out for our lovebirds. Anna meets up with William and they have a romantic sit down on the bench with the bomb. Ed gives us a running commentary on his approach on Starkey. However, Starkey apparently has eyes on the back of his head and punches Ed a few times and tries to detonate the bomb, only for Ed to come back for a second helping of boxing. Ros runs towards our couple and tells them to make a break for it. After some more struggling, Starkey detonates the bomb to the most shocking moment of the episode; the foundations the bench was sitting on was made of plywood rather than stone! My life is a lie! At least no one had died yet but Ed has a few bruises to his ego as well as his ribs.
At William’s workplace (Which also inexplicably has an arena as well), he and Anna come clean on their relationship status. Beckett is also unconvinced about Commander Wence’s ability to protect Anna, saying the SSD couldn’t look after goldfish (A callback to Ed and Ros trolling him with goldfish in the last episode?) and suggests they lure the assassin out with an elaborate ruse, using the arena as the, well, arena for their next showdown. Ed and Beckett have a moment puffing each other’s chests about who is the better person at infiltration and pursuit. Beckett relents and gets to work making preparations. In the bowels of the arena, Ros is playing around with William’s laser scanning system, which apparently requires a total on the fly rewrite of William’s software, using a teddy bear called “Ed” as the test subject. It apparently works way better than what William did before with the scanner but he isn’t sure the plan will work. However, Ros has suspicions that Starkey bugged Anna’s mobile phone and they will use that to lure Starkey to them. At the hotel, Beckett sets the trap in motion, having Anna phone William under pretence that they will be meeting again later on tonight at the arena to do some viewing of the final design of the laser projection version of the logo and the implication of some quality time together. Starkey hears this and calls his employer McKenzie again. With the recorded message annoying McKenzie, Starkey justifies it’s use by asking if his handler has never head of security. Starkey assures McKenzie Anna is a dead woman walking for sure this time and asks for a car to collect him and head to the airport when the job is done. However, McKenzie has a visitor. Alberto is in the office (Surprise surprise!) and this is all part of a nefarious scheme to get more votes on a wave of sympathy when Anna is seemingly assassinated by her political enemies. We also isn’t intending on paying Starkey, preferring instead to get ride of him once he outlives his usefulness.
We return to Bugs HQ where it turns out Ros has vandalised Ed’s jacket with some ham-fisted sewing. She is trying to attach a miniature transmitter and tracking device shaped like a button so that Ed can take it out for a test run out in the field. This becomes a bit of a running gag periodically for the rest of the episode. Anna dismisses her domestic help and security for the night and Beckett arrives in a window cleaning platform to give her a discrete exit from her room. Unfortunately for them, it’s not discrete enough as Wence’s SSD mooks spy them leaving and follow quickly. At the arena, William and Anna are reunited and start having a catch up in his workshop. Somehow, our hitman Starkey manages to infiltrate the arena Metal Gear Solid style and avoids Ed’s not so vigilant lookout for him. After a bit of a heating exchange between him and Ros, Ed rushes back into the arena while Starkey gets a rifle ready and lines up the shot for Anna’s head. Nothing happens. It turns out that Ros’ improvements to William’s laser scanner and projection system were part of the plan to make a virtual double of Anna that Starkey tries to shoot, leaving the real Anna unharmed. Realising he has been duped, Starkey makes a run for it only to be cornered by Ed. They fight again, rolling over several racks of the arena seating while Commander Wence and his band of SSD jolly miserable chaps arrive and start chasing them. Wence spends more time screaming orders out from a megaphone than actually doing anything useful. Beckett checks in with Anna and William before going outside to see what damage the SSD mooks have done to his planning. After more running around and shouting, Starkey is corned on the river bank. He tries to shoot his way out, but a porno moustached member of SSD is quicker on the draw, turning Starkey into Swiss cheese. As if that wasn’t dramatic enough, the now very dead Starkey tumbles into the river. Ed watches from the sideline and tries to contact Ros and Beckett about what is happening, but radio problems mean he is on his own. He goes to investigate a waiting car where he finds Starkey’s getaway driver. Ed pretends to be Starkey but all that earns him is a gun to his face and an uncomfortable seat in said car. Wence, meanwhile, marches into the arena with his goons and blames Beckett for nearly getting Anna killed. Some harsh words are exchanged and Wence warns Beckett to keep his nose clean or else he will be swimming with the fishes for interfering with Government business. Anna is escorted away and Beckett mocks Wence for being a desk jockey who likes to ham things up when given a chance to leave the office while Ros only just notices that Ed hasn’t checked back in.
At the hotel, Anna meets up with William again and sits down to breakfast with him. They plan to get married at a local registry office while she is still in the country. William has concerns but Anna wishes to get married sooner rather than later. She plans to let Alberto know her plans later. This turns out to be a bad idea as Alberto is obviously wanting to off Anna for his own political purposes. When informed, he goes to consult with McKenzie to figure out their next moves when Ed, posing as Starkey, is dragged in to meet them both. Apparently McKenzie hasn’t met Starkey in person so Ed manages to bluff his way through the discrepancies, such as sounding Australian rather than English, by putting that down to a voice changer for his own protection and explaining his use of that stupid intro tape player was a security measure. The exact wording is enough to convince our malicious pair that Ed is Starkey and this almost gets Ed killed as Alberto is fed up with “Starkey’s” repeated failures and almost gives Ed a new nostril via a silenced pistol. Ed manages to avoid this by blaming it on the SSD making things difficult and killing a “by-stander” (The real Starkey as we saw earlier). McKenzie takes the bait, musing that Wence and his band of jolly miserable chaps have a tendency to get the wrong person. When McKenzie mentions that Anna is to get married, Ed others to take out her out at the wedding venue. Alberto is unsure but decides to allow “Starkey” one last chance, after that there is no guarantee of safety. Back at the hotel, Anna decides to not bother attending the conference she is supposed to be going to and instead decides to go for a swim in the hotel’s pool for the day. Or so she says to Wence and the SSD to give them the slip. She does go for a swim but disappears into the ladies changing room and heads out a service corridor in the back to a waiting limo to take her out to the registry office where the wedding is to take place. Meanwhile in some undisclosed toilet, Ed is trying to tell Beckett and Ros about his plans and give them some intel on what Alberto and McKenzie are planning, using the tracker and radio transmitter hidden in the button Ros sewn onto his jacket. He is interrupted and bundled into another limo.
Beckett and Ros arrive at the hotel but using the intel from Ed, they figure out what Anna is up to. A quick search of the female dressing rooms and an angry remark on the chauvinistic nature of employment for Government agencies later confirms Ros’ assumptions. In one limo, Anna is getting ready for the wedding ceremony while in the other, Ed is being given an extra incentive to do better as a hitman by being fitted out with the latest in deadly designer fashions; a waistcoat with plastic explosives. Removal is not advisable. To add more pressure, they strap a timer, complete with electronic beeping noises that will detonate the waistcoat in 15 minutes if Ed doesn’t finish the job before then. Ed tries to keep the scheming pair talking, hoping to get the location of the wedding venue out of them while being acutely aware that Ros’ sewing job is leaving the tracker/transmitter combo ready to fall off his jacket. When they arrive, his attempts to kick it along towards where he is headed is thwarted by some rough manhandling. He is given a “gift” to offer to the bride. A gun (Notably a Steyr Aug which is an assault rifle and not really a sniper rifle but I guess the production team thought this looked cool and didn’t really consider the practical implications) with a video camera attached so McKenzie can give some “guidance” should Ed waiver in his aim. Ed is torn between trying to look convincing enough and not actually killing Anna as the wedding party arrive at the registry office to start the ceremony and he makes his way up the stairs to a sniping position.
Outside, Ros and Beckett finally arrive. They are alarmed to see the button has fallen off Ed’s jacket. More snide comments about Ros’ quality of handiwork or lack thereof and they are concerned there isn’t a church that could be a potential wedding venue nearby when Ros spots the registry office and manages to deduce where Ed could be. They make their way past a Scottish sounding photographer who may have had his voice dubbed if the rest of this episode was anything to go by! While the wedding proceedings are underway, Ros and Beckett catch up with Ed who has to signal to them silently that he is being monitored via video and audio and the waistcoat has explosives in it and linked to the wrist timer, to which Ros advises she knows from the earlier overheard conversation from the tracker button. McKenzie becomes suspicious when Ed’s gun movements go all over the place and he decides to go investigate. However Beckett finds him first and a fight ensues. After a lot of grappling and tossing about, Beckett throws McKenzie over the balcony where Ed is sniping, killing him when he hits the floor. As everyone runs around like headless chickens and the SSD mooks barge in, Beckett tries to warn Anna that Alberto is behind the whole scheme to assassinate her but it is too late as Alberto takes her hostage and is about to put a bullet in her brain. Ros meanwhile is struggling to deactivate the timed detonator on Ed’s wrist. Some pointing out of the lack of wires to cut and other snide remarks about lack of time, Ed manages to snipe Alberto while Ros manages to remove a microchip controlling the timer to defuse it. She admits she didn’t know that was the right thing to remove and just guessed. The wedding registrar makes some sarcastic remarks (They are all at it!) that Anna and William are now husband and wife. Celebrations around.
Back at Bugs HQ, it turns out Ed is better at sewing than Ros as he attempts to return his jacket to his preferred standards, replacing the original button. The rest of the team introduce him to the teddy bear from earlier and Ed makes a horrible pun about “two Ed’s being better than one”. Roll credits.
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