Content/Trigger Warning: I do bring up mental health topics here, including references to suicidal thoughts and general negativity, so keep that in mind before you read on.
So, MCM Scotland 2018 came and went. I thoroughly enjoyed myself despite the fact that it really is nothing more than a large dealers hall with maybe a few panels going on at the peripheries. But then it has always been like that since I started going in 2013. So I am used to it. Doesn't stop me attending when I can because I still find it enjoyable and there are not many geek type of events north of the border. However, I admit that about 2 year ago, I started to have a crisis of confidence, not just regarding attending MCM Scotland but going to any geek event, especially the fan run "residential" conventions I've been going to for a long time, the major ones being Amecon and until it's demise, Ayacon.
I started to reach a point where I was questioning if I should keep attending these kinds of events, especially as I got older and the average age of the attendee seemed to drop. I started to worry about being seen as some "creepy old pervert" or similar, especially given a lot of what I do at conventions involves photography. This really started to bother me and a few times, I contemplated "retiring" from the convention photography scene, or even just quitting going to conventions and other similar events entirely. It seemed unfair. I came to the convention scene relatively late, about my early to mid-twenties, while other attendees around me seem to be going in their late teens and they seemed to be getting younger as time progressed. This really started to bother me for a while. Thoughts of "growing up" and moving onto mainstream hobbies and interests like sports, TV and other nonsense that "normal" people do. Maybe turn my back entirely on geekdom, maybe try to be "normal".
At some point, and I'm not sure when that was, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't do the seemingly vapid "normal" passtimes that everyone else can get involved in. I could not do what is seen as "normal". What is "normal" anyway? Can I ever be seen as "normal"? Are people who are seen as "normal" actually not normal at all? Basically, I came to an epiphany that regardless of what I do, I will always be seen as a bit "odd" and "geeky", so why the hell should I bother trying to conform with society's ideas of "normality"? I can't bring myself to like sports or discuss vacuous TV programmes with people in an office I don't necessarily see eye to eye with. So why try being someone who isn't me?
This does bring me onto something related I want to write about. Mental health. This is something a lot of us in the geek communities seem to run into a lot, especially given many of us are "outcasts" of some sort and as a result we tend to gravitate towards each other. This unfortunately a lot of this comes with a lot of pressure on our mental well-being, especially since we are seen as "abnormal", as mentioned above. This pressure from society to fit in doesn't help.
I will admit that things haven't always felt good throughout my life. I am not going to pretend that somehow I've had it really rough, though, A few people I know on the geek scene have gone through far worse times, including family issues, severe depression, self-harm and at it's most extreme, suicide ideation. Sometimes those problems are related and one leads to the other. I feel it wouldn't be right to take away from my friends struggles so my minor issues are nowhere near as bad, by any stretch of the imagination.
However, at the same time, things have not been all that smooth in my own life. No, my family isn't self-destructing, no I'm not diagnosed with any form of depression and I haven't gone as far as to hurt myself in any fashion. I have covered the problems with racism that I have run into before, both in my past and currently. I don't need to tell you this can be a major negative factor on your mental health. To be questioned about your presence and not be seen as an equal amongst your peers. However, I'm not sure how, despite all the pressure this brought, despite the fact things got very trying throughout my life, even to this day, I somehow managed to keep my mind from going too far into dark territory. I don't know if this is because the problems I've run into in life are not as serious as I imagined, or whether the "tough love" style of parenting I got from my father kept me relatively stable, or if this is just an unhealthy coping mechanism that made me internalise my problems and that eventually I'm going end up experiencing some form of psychological breakdown later down the line. I don'tWh know. What I do know is that despite what people see when I'm out and about, regardless of if it is in the street or at conventions, I'm not always jolly. I still have my bad days. Some worse than others. The main difference is that I have ways to help deal with the negativity and every since I went into a session of relatively minor therapy to deal with some long standing issues from back in Secondary School, it has been easier to bounce back from the bad days. Again, I don't want to take away from the more serious problems many of my friends and associates have run into and I certainly don't want to have some serious condition just to be "in the club" as it were. That would be very crass.
What I do want to say is that it isn't all fun and games in my head. I might seem always happy and jovial but that isn't always the case. At conventions I get a bit of energy from being around friends and others I know, but sometimes that can fade away quickly if I am on a generally downward trend mood wise. Some days I don't always cope. I am just better at hiding it for the sake of not upsetting everyone else, so when it does spill out, it seems like a surprise. Despite knowing better for some time, bottling up my emotions is something I still do when really I shouldn't. But thankfully I do find it easier to recover than previously as I mentioned before. I guess this is a long rambling way of saying to those who are in the same boat that they needn't feel alone. Things are not always what they seem and they should never feel afraid to ask for help if they need it most. If I didn't go into therapy, it might've resulted in my mental health tanking even more so. I'm not always 100%. But it is easier now for me to recover when I hit rock bottom. What I said won't be the same for everyone. And any treatment and advice will not work for everyone. But do bear in mind that you aren't alone and what seems as someone being constantly happy and having a perfect life isn't necessarily so.
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